Indecisive, Delusional, and Doing It Anyway
A gentle F*** you to indecisiveness, with love :)
As I sit here typing, backspacing, and typing again, I can’t help but laugh at myself.
As much fun as I am having writing for my little corner of the internet, I’m quickly realizing that all this pressure and overthinking is ruining it for me. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve taken on the pressure of Shakespeare himself, typing as if each word will appear in front of a judge, questioned for its validity.
last week, it all started
It all started Monday, when I had to take a new passport photo, or what I like to think of as my shot at redemption.
My old picture was taken 10 years ago, when I was awkward, tense, and trying way too hard to master the Tyra Banks smize. I had discomfort written all over me, and I really wanted this new picture to serve me justice for 10 long and painful years of avoiding eye contact with any and all TSA agents.
I booked myself an appointment with a professional photographer and even did a full face of makeup.
Showtime baby.
Thirty seconds later, I got my redemption photo and was off my merry way… or so I thought.
I hopped in the car and began thinking, or better yet, overthinking, what to do next. I dressed cute, I was feeling myself, and I brought my laptop along… it was the perfect recipe for a writing day.
But where will Shakespeare write today?
The options began flooding my head as I turned on the engine. My dashboard lit up like a personal attack: low tire pressure, low gas, low this, low that.
Perfect. Even my car is indecisive.
So I can either stay in the area and try something new, or play it safe and go to my favorite coffee shop, the one where I wrote my most viewed Substack. Ooo la la… good memories live there.
I decide to stay in the area and explore. Decisiveness at its finest. (Point for Eden.)
I drive for a few minutes, and to my surprise, my favorite coffee shop has another location in this area. Perfect! I drive by and slow down just enough to not piss off the person behind me, while still being able to catch a glimpse of what’s going on inside. Everything looked promising.
Time to find parking.
Yet of course, there was none.
Shit, what now?
Do I give up? Keep looking?
Before I know it my foot’s on the gas and I’m off to the next location.
Ok let’s try this again.
I decided to find a coffee shop near my favorite bookstore because how can anything go wrong near my most coveted place?
I find a parking spot with ease but end up paying for 11 hours of parking instead of 1 because of my shaky hands.
Wonderful.
In any case, I make my way to the store and here the voice goes again:
Do I get a coffee or matcha?
Before or after I get to the store?
Do I ask to sit inside or outside?
I end up just going to the bookstore because I can feel heat swirling its way up to my face as I continue to fight this silent war in my head.
Now while the bookstore is my favorite place in the world, it is also a crippling experience for those living with indecisiveness. There are so many colors, options, sizes, titles, descriptions… how can anyone be expected to leave with just one thing, or worse, nothing at all?
I waltz along the room and begin feeling alive again. The voice in my head has settled as my fingers graze across each cover. I settle for a pocket sized bright red notebook so that I could jot down writing ideas as they come, in time for my weekly Friday article.
I check out and decide it’s about time for my second coffee of the day. There are about 15 stores around me, this should be a piece of cake.
I can walk a few minutes to try the new spot I have been eyeing, cross the street to get a coffee I have already had and play it safe, or… make one at home.
Oh boy.
To go or not to go?
I decide to march onwards to the new spot I have been wanting to try.
The coffee was disgusting, the barista rude, and my day, ruined.
Ok this day is so over. I’m going home. The end.
this morning, the war rages on
I thought buying myself the little red notebook would be a good solution for my lack of decision-making abilities because if I had a solid list to choose from each week, I would more easily find an idea, and be able to write.
Boy was I wrong.
Fast forward to this morning. I went to yoga, made myself my morning cup of coffee, and sat at my computer ready for the page to go from a blank canvas to a Picasso.
I look at my notebook for ideas and the war forges on again.
Which will it be today? Social Anxiety as a 26 year old, What a month of yoga has taught me, How to educate your mom on the modern dating pool…
Are any of these even relevant? Would I care to read this? Is anyone going to read this at all!? Does it matter? Is it ok it secretly matters to me?
Fuck, not this again.
Oh, and I almost forgot.
Hi beloved reader, happy Friday. My name is Eden and I suffer from chronic overthinking and indecisiveness :)
I am not writing you today in hopes of imparting any more “cures”, “you gotta try this”, or “better habits to start making decisions quick” bullshit because frankly I don’t have a clue. Anyways, too much of that content already exists and it somehow only gives me more anxiety.
Rather, I write to you my unfiltered, messy, in-the-midst of figuring it out take on the topic in hopes of someone being able to relate and maybe even embarking on the journey to (decide) to heal, together, imperfectly :)
what this article taught me
Indecisiveness isn’t confusion, it’s fear of uncertainty.
Most people will read this and probably think to themselves that I just don’t know what I want. Well… turns out that’s not entirely true.
I’m not confused, I’m just… scared.
We fear making decisions because it means tolerating an uncertain outcome. This isn’t an identity issue, it’s a tolerance issue, and in that sense, we are not stuck.
too many options, not enough certainty
The more options we have, the more likely we are to drown.
We’re taught that more choice equals freedom.
But psychologically, more choice equals more pressure to choose “right”.
It’s hard to choose when every option feels like a different version of your life you’re about to give up.
(And yes, this applies to where I get my morning coffee from too.)
thinking isn’t deciding
Overthinking is not problem-solving, it’s avoidance.
While having a million and one thoughts about one single decision can feel like productivity, all this energy is actually only working to mask our avoidance. Overthinking gives the illusion of control without the risk of action.
and then something clicked
A few short weeks ago I was sitting across the kitchen counter from Tal, who is my dad’s best friend and a second father to me. We were talking about life and one thing led to another and I brought up how on my drive over I was listening to a Mel Robbins episode on her famous Let Them theory.
“I have an even better idea,” he said with childlike glee in his eyes.
“I call it the Do It Despite theory.”
His point was simple. We have become so aware, so informed, so hyper-conscious of everything that could go wrong, that we’ve stopped moving altogether.
do it despite, and lovingly
And I think he’s right.
But I also think it can be done more gently than that.
I don’t think we have to bully ourselves into action. I don’t think it has to be aggressive or forceful or rooted in shame.
I think it can sound like this instead:
I know this feels uncomfortable. I know you’re not sure. I know you’d rather stay where it’s safe.
But we’re going to try anyway.
Not perfectly. Not confidently. Just… honestly.
Because maybe healing indecisiveness isn’t about becoming fearless. Maybe it’s about becoming someone who can say,
I’m scared… and I’m still going.
And maybe that’s enough.
If you’re somewhere in between choices tonight… message me, let’s talk! :)
A great read and very well said 💛✨